MY AIM?

My aim? One is supposed to have an aim to be conscious, becoming conscious is a nice aim. However I had no clue what being conscious was and so never had that aim. How could I want to be something I had no idea what it meant? There are many writings describing this state. With all those descriptions then certainly I should know what I would aim for. The words did nothing for me, I still did not understand anything. It was like reading another language that I did not know. I could not visualize consciousness I could not feel it. The words just did not play with me.

Something I was very curious about, the idea of being a machine. I wanted to see my machine. The first 4th way group I came upon and joined was full of human machine definitions. They had definitions for the centers, parts of centers, parts of parts of centers. They used the deck of cards and the planets in the Solar System to categorize everybody.

Oh, Bruce, you are a Venetian- Lunar body type with a chief feature of willfulness. You are centered in the emotional part of the moving center. Wow! Now I knew everything about me, I fit into a nice little machine box. I knew the secret language. Everybody in the group fit into a category and we all knew the standard behaviors of all of the categories. This is what set in motion my curiosity about my machine. This became the biggest idea I was curious about and became my inner aim without my thinking about it. I did not know I had the aim it was just there, a desire.After 5 years in this group I was kicked out of (could not pay the fees). I wandered in the wilderness without being in a group for many years. I then, just by accident and luck came upon a real master but did not know how lucky I was for a long time until I began to have experiences. My first experiences were seeing my machine not from one of my I’s but from somewhere else. Not from my body. Then I began to really see the truth of our situation and the truth of what I really am, not from words. This was a huge gift of glimpses of truth that came with hope and gratitude.

Someone can know something by having a direct experience of it and then describe it to me. Still I don’t know it unless I also have had the same direct experience. Having large aims leads me nowhere because I do not know what it is.

Now having a smaller aim might tell me something.

There is a common exercise given by many 4th way groups. This is to remember oneself, or be aware of oneself when walking through doorways. Everyone Fails at this! The exercise is given not for us to succeed, but to show us that we cannot DO.

So how are we going to work for an aim to become when we cannot even know what that is? We know only from words and words are not knowing. Gurdjieff said that Man cannot do but something higher can do through man. Gurdjieff found a direct connection to the higher. To become we must also, but how?