“Man must use what he has, not hope for what is not.”
We are in Prison?
I am thousands of I’s, thousands of different identities. Every time a thought appears in my head it is another I, another identity. I am identified with each one for a second, a moment, a part of a second. I always believe that is me, that is Bruce, who I am. There is nothing in my body or mind or will that can change this. This is how I am constructed, how my machine is built. This is my prison that I cannot escape from.
The irony is that I do not know I am in prison and if someone tells me, I think they are deluded, it cannot be so because I have will and am free to choose. This is our condition. If I decide to make efforts to escape, the I that makes the effort is on the same level as all of the rest of my identities. It is just one of my I’s looking at another of my I’s. I am only going in a circle, round and round in the same place and imagining I am going somewhere. It is my self-delusion. I never notice this, I am not aware of my real condition. I never noticed this because like everyone, I always became the next thought!
I had read many books by many authors describing different states(most of them didn’t bother to mention the states were from drugs) and what to do. I became interested in “The Fourth Way” and joined a group. It was a wonderful place, many exercises, many wonderful friends and great activities. I was sure a true believer and was sure I was on my way. What I did not know or even slightly know was that there was nothing there. I was still only one I believing another I. We were all only going in circles with no possibility of becoming anything higher.
Then one day I really got lucky. I met a man who had been with Madam de Salzmann for 30 years in Paris. Madam de Salzmann had been with Gurdjieff for 30 years and at this time I have been with Alex for 21 years. Gurdjieff brought a certain higher energy to the earth and was able to share it with a very few of his pupils who did not have barriers to receiving it. Through Madam de Salzmann Alex received a connection to the source. Then one day I met Alex.
This meeting became for me the opening for all possibilities and the real chance to see the truth of my condition, not what my body imagines it to be. The only way I can become aware of my condition is if I am seen from something higher. An energy that is not part of me, that is above me that is not part of my body but can enter my body. A mysterious force from above.
I cannot demand it, or pray for it. I cannot make it appear by any action or effort. I can only wish to be under its influence, wish to be part of it. It comes through Grace, on its own terms. Nothing I can do to bring it, I can only wish and each time it enters me my wish becomes stronger.